Muffle that Double Take

Whenever Peter Brady would see a pretty girl, a cool motorcycle, or a guy who looked like he smelled good, he’d overreact. He sometimes even yelled things, or just kind of squealed about it being time for change and something he needed to go rearrange. “Be cool, Peter,” his friends always said.

And here’s Peter a few months ago, witnessing a rare trifecta: a really cool motorcycle occupied by a bodacious babe, driven by a guy who looked like the scent of heaven was dripping from his broad shoulders. Luckily, years of pinching and under the table kicks by his wife have given Mr. Brady the ability, if not to be cool, at least to pull it in a little bit.

Learning Curve

When Patrick was growing up, he thought it was cool when Mom broke out the “family sweaters,” and they’d all go to a museum or a zoo and everyone there would know they were related. If Patrick or his sister ever got lost, they were much easier to find. It was a '70s thing...you had to be there.




















Bad clothing habits are some of the hardest to break, and Patrick's uncanny ability to find a bad sweater is undiminished. He also still tries to find four-packs, but they’re increasingly rare. The one thing that’s changed is Patrick’s sense of self-identity: now he likes wearing the same sweater as the rest of his family, but not on the same day. And this is the first time he agreed to be photographed alone. Wait until he really blossoms!

Shot Through The Heart And You're To Blame

It was love at first sight when Tammy and Gray met that day at the shooting range. Within hours they’d disappeared into the wilderness, and all anyone heard for hours were rounds and rounds of ammunition being fired. Tammy only pretended to need steadying; she was actually a much better shot.



















Gray still appreciates a good old gun. He added a scabbard to his repertoire the same year he picked up the nifty scarf/ascot technique shown here—he might live in a trailer, but that doesn’t keep him from lookin’ like a world traveler. He’s basically a nice guy, but doesn’t like to be caught off guard, that’s all.




















Tammy has upgraded her guns with the years, and thinks concealed weapons are for sissies. The local Kmart won’t let her in any more, and she’s about to give them a piece of her mind, then head on over to Wal-mart to try her luck. She is the NRA.

Once A Fauxhawk...

When Rog was little, his parents thought it was cute to brush his hair like this and take pictures, but it sent him a message: this is a great way to get attention!




















Message received. That’s why, in addition to the hair, Rog has also worked some bling and a little crotch-fondlin’ into the attention-getting mix. It still works, but not for the reasons he thinks it does.

Someone Your Own Size

Huey and Goob were highly competitive from the day they met at the local Y. Huey was surprisingly fast for his size. Goob always came in second, but never stopped trying. They had years of chummy fun trying to outdo each other.




















Until the day Huey made the mistake of saying something about penis size. Shortly after this picture was taken, Goob was rushed to the hospital. He had to stick up for himself and his masculinity, but of course Huey kicked his ass. He hopes he landed at least one solid punch, because, man, is this friendship over.

My Green Tambourine

Little Geordie wasn’t sure what his mother had in mind that Halloween in 1968 when she dressed him all in green and handed him a tambourine, humming a familiar song. “What am I supposed to be?” he kept asking. His mother laughed, slurring her words. “Honey, you’ll get shum candy in da bag and shum money in da tambourine.” Then she stood and stared at the wall for about an hour, so he went out trick or treating by himself.

He did get the candy, but he got even more questions about what he was supposed to be, and a fair amount of teasing for the green booties which were really sheets of felt and a couple of rubber bands. Oh, and a whole lot of confetti and a new nickname: Jiminy Cricket.















These days Geordie’s realized that even though it’s not that easy being green, there are a few costumes with instruments that actually yield major tips, and you're looking at one of them. He’s quite the fiddler, and averages enough most nights to be able to afford a bottle and his current street drug of choice, which it’s very easy to buy when you’re dressed like this.

Give A Hoot

No one thought Janice or Janine would ever become real musicians, but they were so cute walking around town in their matching outfits. And Janine had some actual talent…not a lot, but still.




















Fact is, people are suckers for anything two of a kind, quality be damned, and the ladies landed a job with one of the better European orchestras. They share an apartment to cut down on expenses, and make a pretty good salary—at least enough so that they can still afford matching outfits, a slew of instruments, and indulging in their newest fun hobby: making the floor, ceiling and walls all match. These girls are a whole lot of good, clean fun, but you’re probably glad they don’t live in your neighborhood.

Gotta Song In My Heart

From the time Beau was just a little kid, he had this incredible ability to rock out. And the crowd reaction, even from immediate family members, was insane—there’s Grandma doing her closed-eye drunken dance, Dad checking to see if he shit his pants, and Mom laughing wildly. Meanwhile, Beau’s oblivious to everything but the sweet sound of his voice and his wicked guitar licks.














Today Beau’s really got that rocker mouth thing down pat, and of course he’s dressed in nothing but black leather since third grade. He spends at least two hours a day working out and posing in his walk-in closet. He still transports himself, and only himself, to another realm when he gets his music on, but he’s always on the lookout for fans. Where are the damn fans? That's what he doesn't understand. And it’s costing an arm and a leg to rent this auditorium on off nights and pretend there’s a crowd there, much less other band members. He can’t even afford the mike if he’s going to use the lights. Beau might have to give up the dream soon, and then something bad's going to happen.

Endless Love

When Rufus and Reggie got their first Big Wheels, it was love at first sight. Within days the neighbors had tired of the sound of plastic rolling along sidewalk, but they had to get used to it. The boys were hooked, especially Rufus, who can’t even keep his hands on his own big wheel in this photo.


















Today Rufus (in the blue jacket) remains loyal to his Big Wheel love affair, although now he lets his wife join in the fun. He’s president and founding member of the local Big Wheel fan club. When Reggie (far left, in camo green) visits, he’s also out there burning up the streets, but Rufus still insists that he use “the wienie-mobile” instead of a regulation-sized Big Wheel, so a lifelong resentment continues to fester and bloom.

Don't Just Sit There

Harvey was so happy with his hula hoop. He’d go sit under that tree, drink about eight or nine beers, then hula until the sun went down. No one else seemed to understand that, and he figured he’d always be alone, until he won the love lottery and met




















Eleanor, who loved nothing more than beer-filled hula-hooping beneath the very same tree. This is proof that couples did sometimes manage to find each other without the help of eHarmony or Match.com. And they stayed together.




















Although these days Harvey’s a little more about looking at the water. Eleanor, on the other hand, has only grown more enthusiastic about her hula hooping over the years.




















She gave up the booze after her third trip to the Betty Ford Clinic, and feels more vital than ever. She’ll be featured in the Senior Olympics next year!

Lucy Goosey

Lucy loved gymnastics, and gymnastics loved her back. She was state champion from the time she was eight until she graduated high school, and had a room full of trophies and medals.
























Lucy’s just as flexible now, and she exercises every morning on her front lawn. She hocked her trophies after her third husband died and got the place just before the real estate crisis, so she’s sitting pretty. If things get any tougher, she plans to mail her medals to one of those “cash for old gold” places she keeps hearing about.

Rebel, Rebel

It was another typical dustbowl kind of day for Candy, and she decided to blow off steam via her usual take on drinking and driving, which had made her locally famous and pregnant twice before the end of ninth grade.












Then, through the mist, he emerged like a dream. Their paths crossed, like two un-driven ships in the night, and that would have been the end of it, except that Tad was so mesmerized, he got back in his car and followed Candy to her favorite juke joint.















And here are Tad and Candy today, still just a couple of hard-asses out having fun. When I told them they should have been more careful on the fateful day they met, this was their instantaneous reaction.