Friday, November 28, 2008

Shot Through The Heart And You're To Blame

It was love at first sight when Tammy and Gray met that day at the shooting range. Within hours they’d disappeared into the wilderness, and all anyone heard for hours were rounds and rounds of ammunition being fired. Tammy only pretended to need steadying; she was actually a much better shot.

Gray still appreciates a good old gun. He added a scabbard to his repertoire the same year he picked up the nifty scarf/ascot technique shown here—he might live in a trailer, but that doesn’t keep him from lookin’ like a world traveler. He’s basically a nice guy, but doesn’t like to be caught off guard, that’s all.

Tammy has upgraded her guns with the years, and thinks concealed weapons are for sissies. The local Kmart won’t let her in any more, and she’s about to give them a piece of her mind, then head on over to Wal-mart to try her luck. She is the NRA.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What Napoleon Complex?

Nat was a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks. He did a lot of hard living by the time he was 10, and by then his parents learned that smoking had stunted his growth. He’d also been left back in school twice, while graduating from two rehab programs.

So, maybe he’s not the tallest dude in town. Wanna make something of it? Don’t think he wouldn’t attack you like a ferocious pit bull. Really piss him off and he'll talk his friend Manny into helping him kick your ass.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Work It

From the time he was just a little tyke Anthony’s nickname was Tinker, because he liked to play with machines, take them apart and turn them into something better. Even his amblyopia didn’t slow him down. Here he is with his first turntable; he’d built his first mixer within weeks, before anyone even knew what they were.

Tinker still has sort of a lazy eye, and one of the world’s laziest bodies. He spends his days hanging around the house, mostly undressed, working on his various inventions. This one’s going to be a combination back-shaver and stretch mark remover. When he’s done tweaking it, he’s going to make millions.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

ADD...Not Just For Adults

Saul was a thoughtful dude. You’d be talking to him, and suddenly he’d be staring off into space, clearly thinking about something else. He didn’t mean to seem rude, or to imply that you weren’t interesting. He just had a lot on his mind. Always.

And he’s still the exact same way. His wife and co-workers are continually annoyed by his inability to focus or follow through, but somewhere along the way he has picked up kind of a reputation as a genius, so everyone just waits when he gets this look on his face. He’ll be back, and when he’s back he’ll probably have another million dollar idea in his back pocket.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Some Pain, Some Gain

Tracy and Rayann knew they were a little out of shape, and started working out the summer they turned thirteen. Rayann’s older sister told them they’d never get anywhere, but agreed to take their picture. She was always one of the popular girls; she’d never understand. “Rayann, with cellulite-covered thighs like those, you’re screwed for life,” she said, tossing her hair.

But working out really does pay off if one is persistent, and now Rayann (on the left) and Tracy (center) are professional retro models, trying to make the clothes of yesteryear popular once more. And you can see from the look they’re getting from their jealous cohort that they’ve really got their act together. You go, girls.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Got Milk?

Dev always went to the store with Dad, but wouldn’t let Dad stand in line beside him. It was bad enough listening to the totally uncool stream of racist bullshit that Dad was always spouting. Dev tried to stare at the elaborate linoleum floor pattern at the A&P and pretend he had a free-thinking, open-minded parent who fit in with the times. What had Mom ever seen in this oily gas bag?

But after Mom died, everything changed. Dad started using rogaine, wearing wifebeaters, and then there was the Hitler moustache. You’d think he would have been more embarrassing than ever, but by this time not only had Dev gotten used to it, he’d halfway started believing Dad’s spewings, and even sharing his wifebeaters. Dev…you oughta be ashamed of yourself. Hope you become as intolerant of lactose as you are of everything else. And lose the mullet!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Gimme an F

Felicia was the most popular cheerleader in the tri-county area. Policemen, cowboys and Indians were lining up to watch her perform her sassy moves. One year at Homecoming she didn’t wear panties, and was gossiped out of town soon after...but you should have heard the crowd roar that night.

Time's done nothing to diminish Felicia’s fiery fierceness. She’s still cheering for her favorite team, has her own fan club, and is still giving the crowd a free show at least once a year, despite the fact that they boo and beg her to stop.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Once A Fauxhawk...

When Rog was little, his parents thought it was cute to brush his hair like this and take pictures, but it sent him a message: this is a great way to get attention!

Message received. That’s why, in addition to the hair, Rog has also worked some bling and a little crotch-fondlin’ into the attention-getting mix. It still works, but not for the reasons he thinks it does.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Unfair To Compare

Even when Danielle and Elise were babies, it was clear that some favoritism was going on. Danielle almost always had big scabs like this on her head and/or scrapes and bruises elsewhere because Mom was so busy doting on Elise that she never noticed Danielle’s tumbles and falls until it was too late. Danielle was clearly displeased with the inequality. Mom didn’t even kiss it and make it better.

And when Mom’s picked a favorite, it pretty much lasts forever. But siblings can and will have their own brand of justice. That’s why, as loved and pampered as she might still be, Elise now has a broken arm. Danielle is laughing about it because she’s the one who broke it. She's also learned: you’re never too young for revenge. By the time she’s in 10th grade, Danielle will have her own apartment. Elise will live with Mom until she’s in her late 40s.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Still Greatful After All These Years

When Chad met

Brad, they knew it was a fan-match made in heaven. They became total Deadheads, devoting their entire lives to it. They quit only after…well, they still can’t bear to talk about it, except to say that without Jerry, their lives will never be the same, after which they usually dissolve into tears and end up hugging each other in a manly way.

Now they attempt to relive the glory years, seeing no other options, and liking no other bands. Here they are last week having a sublime virtual reality experience—they’re watching the 5/8/77 concert at Cornell University, which is where they first met. Here’s to the old times, guys!

Monday, November 10, 2008

La La La La I Can't Hear You

Jack just wanted to play outside all the time, like most kids. When his mom would call him aside and explain that it was time for him to do his chores, or to go to school, he’d invariably respond by pretending he couldn’t hear her. “What? Time for school? You must be speakin’ Spanish!” he’d say, pretending not to understand. But eventually his mother forced him to see things from her point of view.

Jack would still rather play outside all the time, but ongoing exposure to school, a boring job, a nagging wife, chores, and the other onuses of adulthood have taken their toll, robbing his spirit of fun; all work and no play have made Jack a dull boy, and an angry, miserable SOB.

Friday, November 7, 2008


It started out so innocently, that magical summer that pulled the four of them together. Pauly, with his corkscrew curl and prominent bulge, was instantly sucked in by the languid and aloof Philip the minute they met. Meanwhile, Tommy, who tried really hard to act like a straight guy, couldn’t restrain his warmth for Tristan. What fun they had!

When a few more years elapsed, the four threw whatever caution they had left to the wind and came out of the closet. They still get together a few times a year to have tea parties and talk about the old times. That’s Philip in the tiara, with Pauly to his left (hands cradling that special prize). Tristan is in the pink floral gown, and Tommy finally embraced lavender as a color choice. Good thing this photo was taken before those apple slices got brown, because Philip won’t eat anything that’s not fresh.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

5:00 Somewhere

Prohibition, schmohibition! Louise wasn’t about to let any silly law keep her from her bestest friend and constant companion. In fact, she loved it so much, she’d wrap herself up like a big present just for their special times together.

These days Louise has toned down the dress code a wee bit, but she’s still happily hitting the bottle and is shown here as she tries to explain why both red and white wine actually go with any meal. Ten minutes after this photo was taken she was doing her infamous Don Knotts routine, and someone had to drive her home pretty soon after that.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Someone Your Own Size

Huey and Goob were highly competitive from the day they met at the local Y. Huey was surprisingly fast for his size. Goob always came in second, but never stopped trying. They had years of chummy fun trying to outdo each other.

Until the day Huey made the mistake of saying something about penis size. Shortly after this picture was taken, Goob was rushed to the hospital. He had to stick up for himself and his masculinity, but of course Huey kicked his ass. He hopes he landed at least one solid punch, because, man, is this friendship over.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

All Your Hugs And Kisses Too

Lonnie never forgot the magical high school moment when not only did he have two bodacious babes sucking on his nipples at the same time, but his best friend also grabbed a camera, capturing the moment for posterity and allowing Lonnie to spend the remainder of his adolescence reliving the electric pleasure of this completely mind-blowing moment. He even momentarily forgot to keep holding his stomach in. He framed this photo and still sleeps with it beneath his pillow.

Because Lonnie really, really liked it. So much so that he’s spent most of the rest of his life trying to find another woman or two to suckle from his man-teats. He’s continually making this proffering gesture, but it’s very, very seldom that anyone takes him up on it.

Monday, November 3, 2008

He's A Brainiac

Sherwin (“Gizmo” to pretty much everybody) was the most enthusiastic science teacher anyone ever encountered. He’d do anything for a laugh, but was a strict grader and even paddled a kid or two. He liked to get the lesson over with so he could talk about his latest inventions, and there were always a lot of them.

Gizmo is now retired, and is trying to get a patent on his most recent invention, the Automatic Hair Styler. When everyone sees how well it works, he’ll be a shoe-in for inclusion in the Inventors’ Hall of Fame.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Make You, Make You Notice Me

Shirley was adorably cute and very popular, but she was always resorting to something orally dramatic; even bad attention was better than not enough. Although this was just a toy gun, she nearly gave her mother a heart attack when this photograph was developed. And despite the fact that she got punished for it, the drama continued throughout her high school and college years.

As an adult, Shirley continues to resort to strange oral methods of attracting attention, despite the fact that she’s become a stunningly beautiful cover girl. It’s sort of become her signature, so the fixation paid off in the long run, and her breath is as fresh as a daisy.